Helping Children Cope with Nighttime Fears and Anxiety

Many preschoolers experience fear of the dark or of “monsters” hiding under the bed or in the closet. If these fears reappear in an older child, it’s essential for parents to pay attention. Sometimes, a scary movie may have triggered the fear, but it could also be due to a more profound worry, such as the recent passing of a loved one.

Repeated nightmares, especially if they persist over several weeks, can indicate that something is troubling your child. Consider if there are any stress factors, such as a new school, a family member’s illness, or family conflict. Talking through these issues may help your child overcome their nightmares.
Sometimes, allowing a child to sleep where they feel safe for one night can help. Many children are ready to sleep peacefully in their own bed the following night.

How to Talk to Children About Their Fears

Empathize, Teach, and Reassure:
• “Lots of kids feel scared sometimes, but they start to learn that if they think about something nice, they can fall back asleep.”
• “Nightmares can be scary even though they aren’t real. Everyone has bad dreams, but eventually, everyone learns how to go back to sleep afterward.”
• “It seemed like you were really scared last night. Is there something on your mind?”

Collaborate on Solutions:
• “It sounds like you’re scared to go to bed. Last night you slept with us, but tonight you’ll sleep in your bed. I can stay with you for a little while or wait outside your door. Which would help you more?”
• “You had a nightmare. Some dreams are scary, but they can’t hurt you. I’ll sit with you for a bit, and you’ll see that everything’s okay.”
For many children, gradual exposure can help them learn to handle their fears. If a child is afraid to sleep alone, a parent could lie beside them the first night, sit by the bed the next, then stay by the door, and finally leave the room for longer stretches.

Things to Avoid Saying
• “It’s late; how many times do I have to tell you that monsters don’t exist?”
• “You should be brave.”

The primary rule is consistency. If parents disagree—if one parent is willing to stay, while the other believes the child should handle the fear alone—the fear may become more ingrained. Parents should agree on a supportive plan that comforts the child but also encourages independence.

Fear of Harm or Trauma

This type of anxiety may manifest as separation anxiety, fear of sleeping alone, or worry that something bad will happen to a family member or themselves. While sometimes temporary, it can also escalate, causing the child to avoid school or refuse to go outside.

In such cases, letting the child stay home from school is not recommended, as it will make overcoming their fears even harder. Encourage them to attend school and maintain social connections.

Consider whether one of the parents may be experiencing depression. Some children feel compelled to protect their parent and worry excessively. Reassure your child that their presence is not required for a parent to be okay. Sudden, strong anxiety should also be investigated, as it may indicate a recent traumatic experience or even abuse.

How to Talk to Children About Separation Anxiety

Support and Encourage Independence Without Reinforcing Fears:
• “I understand you’re scared, but staying home isn’t an option. I know you’ll start feeling better soon.”
• “Today is Saturday, so I won’t go to work. I’ll leave the house for half an hour and return. In the meantime, try to reassure yourself that everything will be fine.”
• “What do you tell yourself on the days you aren’t feeling anxious?”
• “Today you’ll go to school, but you can call me once from school if you’d like.”
• “For the last few days, you’ve called me at work. Today, let’s try not calling—I think you can handle it.”
• “Just like our dog barks when he hears certain noises, our brains sometimes sound alarms for things that aren’t dangerous. It’s your job to remind your brain to stay calm.”

Things to Avoid Saying
• “If you don’t clean up, I won’t come home tonight!” (Never threaten abandonment. Sensitive children may become even more anxious.)
• “Stop being such a coward!” (Validate their feelings instead. Reassure them rather than criticize.)
• “I actually prefer when you stay home. I feel better with you around.” (Avoid reinforcing your child’s fears by expressing dependency on their presence.)
• “If you don’t calm down, I’ll have to call the doctor.” (Seek professional help if necessary, but never frame it as a punishment.)
• “Does your stomach hurt? It’s okay, you can stay with me.” (Don’t allow children to use physical complaints as a way to avoid situations.)

Final Thoughts
These conversations can provide children with reassurance and help them understand and face their fears in a supported way. Teaching them gradual independence and confidence in handling anxiety will aid them in managing fears both now and in the future.